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Hello, I need help rewriting my personal statement for medical school admission.
Hello, I need help rewriting my personal statement for medical school admission. I have the draft written already and I mainly need help with editing as well as making the word count longer. I'm also including the comment I received from my professor. You've included your word count, but there is no HOCs editing checklist. Your intro is concise with your hook and thesis. While you discuss your experience in West Africa, the statement is underdeveloped. When you discuss empathy and willingness to ameliorate the lives of patients, what experiences have you had to show your empathy toward others? I see that your future is to care for those around you, but help your audience understand specifically what you've done in your past and reflect on this first with vivid language. Avoid the vagueness of going "into medicine to change lives." Elaborate on what this means. Because you have unique experiences in West Africa and have witnessed scarcity in resources, your audience need to understand how your observation with the healthcare system there will impact your work here or with underserved communities globally. The statement ends without discussing your proficiency in these languages. These make you an asset because of your communication abilities across cultures. Have you had exprience communicating with patients who speak various languages? Otherwise, eliminate this in the conclusion. While we will discuss LOCs collectively, I have included some commented here. Transitions: First body paragraph: When discussing the doctors' characteristics, you don't need to explicitly state that "this skillset relates to me..." Instead, a stronger and more seamless transition might be "As a result, I use these same characteristics..." Conciseness: Your thesis statement might be revised to say something like "As a hopeless child in Togo who constantly received medical care, I was motivated to help others live based on the life-saving work of the doctors and nursings" might capture your idea.

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